


someone who loves you.

by yukioapologist



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-07-10 14:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19907467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukioapologist/pseuds/yukioapologist
Summary: Renzou has supported Yukio through countless depressive episodes. He knows how to comfort Yukio, when to leave him alone, and usually, how to get the younger man to open up. They'd known each other for eleven years, and been dating for eight. He knew Yukio all too well. He knew Yukio like he knew the back of his hand. But this time was different - this time, Yukio refused any help from him. This time, he's certain, Yukio is falling out of love with him.





	someone who loves you.

**Author's Note:**

> yukio deals with his anxiety in this, and renzou's childhood abuse is mentioned. fair warning.

Renzou sits silently at the dinner table, trying his best to tune out the voices of his family. He tries to focus on the feeling of Yukio's hand in his, on the laughter of his nieces and nephews outside, but he can't. It's like Juuzou and Kinzou know just how to get under his skin. The only real comfort is Jun telling them to leave him alone, not that they listen to her.

Jun was always the only one in the family who defended her - who tried to tell Yaozou off for pushing him around and verbally abusing him for not being perfect enough. His oldest sister had always been some kind of beacon of light for him - his only beacon until he met Yukio.

"It's been seven years, and his answer is still the same. Drop it!" Jun hisses at Juuzou. "Family dinners are hardly the place to have these types of discussions anyway - it's your daughter's birthday, for crying out loud. Let her have this day for once!"

Renzou can't help flinching away from the look on Juuzou's face, or the bite in his voice when he replies. "It's not like he talks to us on any other day!" he shouts. "Ren only comes home for Fuyumi's birthday - and you coddle him and take your children to him!"

"It's not coddling him!" Jun yells back, losing her calm entirely. "Why is it so hard for you to acknowledge that this is a place of abuse for him? Dad's been dead for nearly eight years and you're STILL trying to force Renzou to love and mourn a man he has every right to hate!"

Kinzou slams his hands on the table, startling everyone. "Stop it!" he grinds out through his teeth. "Don't disrespect the old man. He sacrificed himself for us - we owe him the bare minimum of respect, even Renzou."

Yukio and Renzou exchange a look - they know the truth behind Yaozou's death. It wasn't sacrifice, and it wasn't the Illuminati. It was revenge.

"I don't owe him anything," Renzou says quietly. "And if you're forgetting, I was on the opposite side of that war. He didn't sacrifice anything for me. _I_ sacrificed _everything_ for him. I'm not letting that happen again. That's why my answer is still the same - I'm not coming back here and I'm not fulfilling my role in the Myodha. Stop asking." He pauses and thinks over his next words, which he knows he shouldn't say, but he does anyway. "Truthfully, I don't care that Dad's dead - I don't regret any of my choices in the war. I did what I had to do to escape my abusers."

"You're the only one who can control Yamantaka, Renzou. We need you here with us. You belong with us. You can't just walk away from this," Juuzou pleas, completely ignoring Renzou's request. "Take-"

"Is dead," Jun cuts him off. "Takezou is dead. It's been twenty-six years, Juu. You have to let him go, and stop expecting Ren to replace him at the expense of his own dreams and his mental health."

Juuzou looks like he wants to argue that, but he's cut off by Yukio holding up his hand. "Juuzou, stop," he says, and his voice isn't cold, but the look in his eyes is, and Renzou doesn't feel bad about smiling at the way Juuzou flinches away from it. "Please. Let's just enjoy the time Renzou has with Fuyumi - he won't see her again for another year. The experience should be a fun one, right? Not remembered only by the shouts and abuse of her father directed at her favourite uncle."

The five of them are quiet after that, but it's interrupted by Kinzou a few minutes later.

"Favourite uncle," he scoffs. "We all know that's me."

They all laugh at that - even Juuzou. Renzou still feels drained and unwelcome, but the tension in his brothers disappears and he's able to breathe without worrying they'll keep trying to guilt and manipulate him into coming back.

He's too caught up in his own relief that he doesn't notice the sudden anxiety present in Yukio's eyes.

-

Yukio doesn't even realize he's doing it, not at first. His brain tries to rationalize it as being too hot for hand-holding or needing to use the rest room when Renzou wants to cuddle, but slowly, he begins to pull away from Renzou.

It starts with pulling his hand away when Renzou tries to hold it. His sleep schedule changes so that he's awake before Renzou so they don't have their morning cuddles before they start their days. He doesn't say "I love you" to Renzou before he leaves for work anymore. When Renzou asks about it - questions about if he's having another episode, did he do anything wrong? - Yukio just shrugs it off and dances around the question. He doesn't accept any help from Renzou like he usually does - he makes every attempt to isolate himself to deal with his own anxieties.

And Renzou doesn't think anything of it until he wakes up to Yukio still in bed on a Saturday afternoon, and Yukio flinches away from his touch.

Renzou sighs the second time it happens. "Yukio." His voice is full of pain and loneliness, and pulls at Yukio's heart strings. "Do you still love me?"

Yukio takes too long to answer, and he feels guilty when Renzou rolls out of the bed.

"It's okay if you don't," Renzou tells him, pausing in the doorway of their bedroom. "I don't blame you. Sometimes I struggle to love me, too."

"Renzou, wait!" Yukio calls out, but his plea is ignored. He scrambles out of bed, tripping over his blanket as he chases after Renzou.

When he finds Renzou, he's sitting at the dining table, slumped over and shoveling yogurt into his mouth.

"Ren, I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry."

Renzou gives him a dejected stare. "For what?" he asks. "I'm the one that did something wrong, aren't I?"

"No, no, you're not," Yukio sighs. He sits down next to him, and tries to hold Renzou's hand, but he knows it's unreasonable to be upset when Renzou pulls away. "I'm the one in the wrong. I... I'm just bad at communicating. I didn't-"

"Yukio. Before I sit through some long explanation for your behaviour," Renzou interrupts him, "I need to know. Do you still love me?"

"Yes. Of course I do," Yukio promises him. "I just... I let my anxiety get to me, okay? I isolated myself and I pushed you away because of it. I'm sorry that I let it get so bad."

He can see the relief Renzou feels on his face - his eyes are soft, and most signs of pain are gone. "Okay. That's what I wanted to hear," he says. "Do you... want to talk about why you had anxiety?"

Yukio tenses at that. He knows he needs to be honest with Renzou, especially now, but when he thinks about saying his anxieties out loud, he feels silly. Sure, he's not as emotionally constipated as he used to be, but there were times where he wanted to just bottle things inside.

"Do you remember what you said to Jun, when we were getting ready to come home?" he asks quietly. "I... I overheard your conversation. The part about family - when you told her-"

"I know what I said," Renzou cuts him off. "I said I didn't care about my family, and wouldn't mind if the outcome had been worse because Juuzou and Kinzou wouldn't leave me alone."

"Yeah, that... it's stupid, but when you said that," Yukio sighs, looking away, "it registered in my brain as something else entirely."

Renzou reaches out and laces his hand in Yukio's. "Did you think I included you in that statement?"

Yukio nods shyly and tries to pull his hand away, but Renzou only holds on tighter.

"I would never say that about you, Yukio. I promise. I could never lump you in with my brothers and our parents," Renzou reassures him. "You are the most important thing in the world to me. You have been for eight years. I know there are days where you don't feel like it because of your anxiety, but you will always be number one for me. You're the last person I'd want to die in that war, and the last I'd ever stop caring about - and truth be told, the likelihood of me ever ceasing to care for you is low. Actually, I think it's impossible."

His confidence makes Yukio feel sillier than he already does, but it also makes him feel better.

"I'm very happy to hear that," Yukio responds. He hugs Renzou tightly. "You're important to me, too. I can't imagine my life without you."

"So. Does this mean we can go back to normal?" Renzou asks.

"If you're comfortable with it, I'd like that," Yukio replies. "But before we get to that, I want to make you a promise."

"And what would that be?"

"I promise I won't hold these feelings from you, and that I won't try to push you away again. It's not healthy - and I _want_ this relationship to be healthy. I don't want that to change. If it does, eight years of building this life for us will be for nothing," Yukio says. "I want you to be able to come home to someone who loves you, someone who's good for you. And I want to do better so I can be that for you. I'll do better. I swear it."

**Author's Note:**

> this was supposed to be about yukio genuinely growing to hate renzou like i said on twitter, but i couldn't do that to them. i had to give them a happy ending.


End file.
